Asking for a Friend: Help! My parents fight all the time, and I don’t know how to help my mum
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a teen who wonders how to show their mum they care during a tough time
It’s not fun to be stuck in the middle of an argument, especially when it’s your parents. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
My parents fight all the time. I used to be best friends with my mum but these days, I don’t know how to talk to her because all she does is cry. I want to help her. What can I do?
Sincerely, Mum’s best friend
Help! My parents argue a lot, and it feels like I don’t have a happy family
Dear Mum’s best friend,
It’s hard to see your best friend sad, especially when that friend is your mother. You must be feeling helpless and lost about what to do. You love her and want to help but she’s not giving you much other than tears.
There could be a few reasons you are finding it hard to talk to your mum. As you probably know, it’s not easy to be a parent. Some parents do not want to burden their children with their emotional problems if they can help it.
Parents may also avoid sharing information with their kids to protect them or because they don’t want to change how they view their other parent. It’s also possible that your mum does not know what is appropriate to share or isn’t sure what is going on herself. However, it is hard not to show emotion when life gives you challenges.
I used to be close to my aunt, but now she takes all her anger out on me. What should I do?
Don’t take it personally if your mom does not share details or just cries. Opening up is a journey for anyone. It takes time and courage for someone to be ready to share. Although you two may be best friends, she is still your mother. There are some things adults need to figure out on their own or with help from their friends or a professional, like a psychotherapist or psychologist. If she does not want to tell you what is happening, you can recommend finding someone safe to talk to; at least then, you will know she’s getting the support she needs.
Think about how you feel most comforted by others when you feel sad. Do you like hugs? What about a cup of tea or coffee? Small gestures can show your mother that you care.
We have heard people say that they received a heartfelt card from a friend during a tough time, and it gave them hope and made them feel loved. Make your mum dinner, buy her favourite candy, or do a chore you know she doesn’t like. It shows that you are there for her, even in small ways.
What do you do when you have a friend who is upset? You would call them and let them know you are there for them whenever they are ready, right? Sometimes, sitting beside someone going through a hard time makes a big difference in their life, even if you just sit together quietly. Do not underestimate the power of your presence and love; she can feel it.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Katie Leung Pui-yan, a practicising child and family therapist and partner at TherapyPartners.