Asking For a Friend: Help! How do I let my friend know I have a crush on them?

Hi Invisible,

You don’t need to be rich and fashionable to land a girlfriend – most of the time it’s about having a great personality and knowing how to communicate. Obviously being kind and honest are excellent character traits, but those should be standard in any relationship. Being confident in yourself and your approach towards this girl will come across as very attractive, and may make her notice you more than other boys.

It never harms, though, to do a grooming check. Make sure you’re clean and tidy. You don’t have to look like a fashion model, but few girls want to go out with someone who has BO or worse.

It’s always good to be friendly and flatter her, but don’t overdo it.  Smile when you see her, ask about her day, and chat to her when the opportunity arises. It’s always good to chat about things that make you both laugh, or are positive, so that when you part, it is in a good frame of mind.

Don’t be nervous, negative, overly personal or aggressive in your attempts - learn to read her emotions. If she’s interested in the conversation and continues to ask questions, keep talking! If she’s making excuses to leave, or doesn’t seem interested, stop. Know that she may not actually be interested in dating you, and you’ll have to accept it if that’s the case.

If you are not in a close relationship already, try to spend time with her in a group of friends so you can get to know what she’s like, and then as you get closer as friends, find more opportunities to spend time alone. 

Getting to know her friends might be beneficial too, because if you can make a good impression on them, then it’s likely that they’ll encourage a relationship with her. You might also be able to get info on how she feels about other guys, or hopefully, you!
Best of luck, Friend of a Friend.

Help! How do I discuss mental health as a guy?

Hi Friend of a Friend, 

I feel like a bad friend, maybe even a  back-stabber. 

I’ve been best friends with “Jane” for almost three years now, yet as our friendship grows, the jealousy between us grows, too. We’re both incredibly competitive in terms of academics, so when she gets a higher grade, I can’t help but throw a tantrum, and when I get a higher grade, she does the same thing. It feels so bad to have such a tense relationship with your best friend. 

In addition, Jane’s been having mood swings lately due to some family problems. So sometimes when I make a random joke, she’ll snap at me, we’ll quarrel and she’ll end up crying. We went to the same primary school as well, and our friendship used to be so warm before all this competition in secondary school. It’s nerve-racking. A few days ago, Jane even told me that we’re not compatible any more. 

The problem is that we are both jealous people, especially towards those close to us, but we can’t help it. I just want our friendship to go back to the way it was. What should I do? 
Thanks, Green with Grades

Hello Green,

Honestly, it sounds like you and “Jane” need a break from each other. You are both going through some major emotional changes. Forcing yourselves to be friends, even though you both of you are unhappy, will not end well. Unfortunately all the things that you have both said and done have changed the course of the friendship, and it is unlikely that you will get back to the way things were without time. 

Time is not only important for healing, but also gives you both the opportunity to forget about the way you have treated each other. When your previous arguments feel far away, then you’ll be able to move on, but right now you’re trying to go back to normal too quickly after quarrelling. 

I think you both need to have a very honest conversation with each other and understand why you are treating each other this way. My guess is that it stems from some kind of insecurity from both of you. Try to be the bigger person and apologise for all the things you have previously done, and extend the opportunity for her to speak to you about any of her family problems if she needs someone. 

Then, you need to give each other some space. During that time you can both reflect on what you got out of your friendship, and hopefully the pros outweigh the cons so you can start again. However, there is a possibility that you may grow apart as a result, and just know that sometimes we are not meant to be friends with someone forever. 

Take this time to re-evaluate what kind of friend you want to be in the future. You say you feel jealous, but you are in charge of your feelings. Part of growing up is taking control of feels and emotions, and not being a slave to them. If you don’t want to be a certain way, then don’t be. Rather, lift up your friends and support them in their achievements – expressing this kind of positivity will encourage them to do the same, and you will all be happier in the long run.
Hope you find an outcome, Friend of a Friend.

Help! My sister is making my home life unbearable 

Hello Friend of a Friend!

I’ve been attending coed schools all my life, but last year, I started going to an all girls’ school. At first I hated the idea – I couldn’t imagine seeing girls only at school! However, I later realised I was much happier studying at a girls’ school, and I didn’t feel so self-conscious all the time. 

I had known about lesbian girls at my school dating each other, but I didn’t really like the idea of that when I was younger. Now that I’m in Form 2, I’m getting used to it and I’m starting to feel bad for all the criticism LGBTQ+ people get.

The boys in my life, such as my dad, haven’t been good to me, and I am so used to how nice all the girls at my school are. Am I becoming a lesbian? Should I do something about it to make sure I stay straight, or will I be okay? 
Thanks, Walking the Line

Hi Walking,

It’s great to hear that you’re changing your opinions by learning about other people.  But, you don’t need to figure out your whole life right now, and you are allowed to change your mind later.

You are still learning about your dating preferences, and those may change with the people you meet. But, never feel that you need to be straight or you need to be gay, and your sexuality is definitely not decided by being at a girls’ only school. 

It might be helpful for you to ask yourself whether you like spending time with girls because you feel more comfortable with them or whether you want to have a romantic relationship with them. If you do want romance, then maybe you are lesbian, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you don’t, maybe you’re not lesbian, and there is nothing wrong with that either.

Whatever conclusion you come to, know that you have a lot of people who love you dearly, and will continue to love you, no matter what. You also don’t need to figure everything out right now. Take the time to explore who you are and find out what  makes you happy.

Don’t worry so much about the final outcome of a relationship, be with people who you can trust and love.
Best of luck, Friend of a Friend.

If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please send an email to [email protected] with “Asking for a Friend” in the subject line. Don’t worry, you will remain anonymous!