Asking for a Friend: Help! I’ve lost a friendship because of unrequited romantic feelings
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Dear Friend,
I am in love with someone from my neighbouring class. He rejected me. Now, I notice that he walks away immediately when he sees me at school. We used to be close and talk often, but he has avoided me ever since I confessed my feelings. It feels like I have lost a friend. What should I do?
Signed, Rejected and Dejected
Help! My mother thinks I’m rebelling but I find studying really hard
Dear Rejected,
It must have taken so much courage to tell your friend how you feel. Rejection is tough, and you must feel worse when he now avoids you. This situation must really suck. It can feel like you have lost a friend for being honest and taking a chance. Here are some things to consider:
Handling a confession
Your friend’s avoidance could be a sign that he does not know how to handle this confession. If we give him the benefit of the doubt – you must like him because he is a good guy – there is a chance he is giving the both of you space so he does not lead you on.
How do you feel about him now?
If you still have strong feelings for him, it might be hard for you to be around him, knowing he does not reciprocate. Give yourself some grace and some space. Set boundaries so you can recover from the rejection. Focus on things and the people who show up for you now. Perhaps some space between the two of you could help fade out your romantic feelings for him.
Do you still want to be friends?
If you have moved on and your feelings have faded, it makes sense to rekindle the friendship. But if his behaviour has hurt you, you are allowed to examine whether he is as good of a friend as you thought. If you believe he is a good person, then it is time to talk to him.
Have a conversation
Let him know his reaction really hurt you and your friendship. If he cares, he will respond. You can say something like:
“This embarrassing stuff does not need to get in the way of our friendship. I don’t have strong feelings for you any more, and I miss being friends. Can we please move past this?”
And when things are a little less tense, you can explain how you were hurt by his actions.
Relationships and friendships are very tricky. It was brave of you to confess. I trust if your friendship means a lot to both of you, you and your friend will be able to put this all behind you and leave it in the past.
Sending you luck, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Katie Leung Pui-yan, a child and family therapist at Therapy Partners