Asking for a Friend: Help! My mum is OK with me being gay, but she doesn’t want me to tell my sister. What should I do?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This time, we help a teen who wants to teach their sister it’s OK to be gay, but is being stopped by their mother
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Dear Friend,
I have told my mum that I’m gay, and she’s OK with it, but she won’t let me talk about it with my five-year-old sister. I understand that she’s young, but I can’t help but think that it would have been so helpful and amazing if someone could have talked to me about that stuff when I was her age. What should I do?
Sincerely, Big Sibling
Help! I’m pretty sure I’m straight - or am I?
Dear Big Sibling,
It was very brave of you to come out to your mum, and we are glad she accepts your sexual orientation. That must feel very reassuring.
We can imagine you must have gone through many struggles while discovering your sexuality and felt very confused. You probably experienced a lot of emotions and may have felt sad, wronged, helpless, frustrated, and doubtful. We understand how life would have been a bit easier if you were aware of different sexual orientations and how each was a valid way to live and be.
It is obvious that you love and care about your sister. You want to share what you have learned with her so that she grows up knowing that different sexual orientations exist and are perfectly normal, so she would not have to endure your pain and struggles. She is very lucky to have such a caring sibling!
You mentioned your sister is five years old. At that age, kids notice everything, though they don’t always understand what’s happening around them. Children take on an active role in their development, acting like little scientists to build on their knowledge and adapt previously held ideas to include new lessons. Kids her age use a lot of imagination and intuition in their daily lives but have yet to develop abstract thinking skills. Concepts such as sexual orientation could indeed be difficult to understand.
That doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to teach her about things like gender and sexual orientation. Young kids like to play pretend, such as pretending to be a doctor, taking care of a baby, cooking, or getting married. Often, pretend play follows social stereotypes, but it doesn’t have to be this way.
How do I come out as genderfluid to my transphobic parents?
Think about the way you play with your sister. Remember that firefighters don’t have to be men, nurses don’t have to be women, a prince doesn’t have to marry a princess, and babies can have two fathers or two mothers. Engaging in pretend play with different scenarios could be an excellent way to show your sister the options in the world, and she will learn that she has the freedom to be who she is, whether that is gay, straight, or anywhere in between.
Your mum must be a very important person to you. Try to talk to her about this idea and see if the two of you can come to an agreement. Assure her you will keep things at an age-appropriate level. Maybe the three of you can all play together!
You’ve got this, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by San Hung, a counselling psychologist in private practice in Hong Kong.