Asking for a Friend: Help! My classmate is bullying me, and she says it’s her ‘freedom’ to do it
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we give one student tips on how to handle a bully: walk away, speak to a teacher and don’t react
Unfortunately, bullying is a very common problem in Hong Kong. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
My classmate is bullying and spreading rumours about me, and she will even do it in front of the whole class so everyone laughs at me. It makes me feel so depressed and embarrassed. I want a normal school life. I tried telling her to leave me alone, but she said it was her freedom to bully me. What should I do?
Signed, Bullied
Help! I’m being cyberbullied and I don’t know what to do
Dear Bullied,
Bullying is a serious problem for too many people. A 2019 survey by City University of Hong Kong found that 32.2 per cent of the city’s students reported being victims of bullying.
From your letter, it sounds like you have tried being friendly with this student and attempted to have a serious conversation about her behaviour and how it affects you. It also seems like this person just doesn’t care. Bullying involves deliberate and repeated behaviour that causes physical or emotional pain to another person. What you’ve described – spreading rumours, intentional exclusion, and ignoring requests to stop – are all clear examples of bullying.
So, what can you do?
First, we want to clarify that your classmate definitely does not have the freedom to bully you. We know this isn’t new advice, but you must tell a teacher, school nurse or counsellor about this student’s ongoing unkind, targeted actions. Bullies like to live in the shadows. They like to provoke, intimidate, and hurt others when they feel they are in a position of power over another. Bringing their behaviour to an adult’s attention exposes the bully, helps protect you and takes away their power of secrecy.
You mentioned the bully embarrassed you in front of the whole class, and everyone laughed at you. Was the teacher there? How did they react? If they saw everything and did nothing to intervene, you could speak to them privately and explain the incident from your point of view and how it upset you. Hopefully, the teacher will take things more seriously next time. If not, it may be worth reaching out to another teacher you trust.
There are a few other things you can try:
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The bully wants you to feel embarrassed, so try to stay calm and don’t show her you care. Don’t react at all.
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A bully loves an audience, so walk away. If you’re not there, she can’t bully you.
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Use humour if possible. For example, if she says you are too emotional, you could say, “Well, of course I am emotional. I’m human. Don’t you have emotions too?”
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Get a friend to support you. Ask your friend to stand near you the next time the bully is around. If things get too uncomfortable, the friend can walk away with you.
Do I have to keep friends that don’t give me the help I need?
Bystanders are people who watch a person bully another and don’t do anything about it. If you have friends who are bystanders, talk to them individually. Let them know that you don’t like how this person treats you. It’s possible they aren’t taking the situation seriously enough; they may think you’re OK and not realise how frustrated you are. Once they know, hopefully, they too will stand up for you the next time this person tries to bully you.
This question was answered by Lolita Schmalenberg, a psychotherapist and teen and adult therapist at Lifespan Counselling.