Asking for a Friend: Help! My parents are loud and embarrassing in public. How do I tell them gently?
Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
It’s nice to laugh with family and have a good time, but how do you tell your parents they might be too loud in public settings? Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
When we are out, my parents’ behaviour really embarrasses me. They like to talk and laugh so loudly that other people turn around to look at us. Is there a nice way to share how I feel without hurting them?
Sincerely, Mortified
Help! I’m jealous of other people’s happy families. What should I do?
Dear Mortified,
I appreciate that you know what is bothering you and want to find a way to communicate that with your parents.
What is embarrassment?
Embarrassment is a complex but common feeling. You may feel it when you think you do not fit societal expectations and worry about being judged by others, especially if you feel you are under a “spotlight”. It makes sense to want to be perceived as normal or as an in-group member. This feeling pushes us to reflect and adjust our behaviour to ensure we are accepted.
Societal expectations
Expectations can vary by people and group. Behaviour welcomed in one may be ignored or even unacceptable in another. Your parents might have grown up in an environment where talking and laughing loudly is accepted or even considered a positive thing – for example, a sign of a good time. There is a chance their friends and family may share similar ideas and consider this behaviour “normal”. That might be why it seems they do not care what strangers think of them.
How you feel
You find your parents’ habit of speaking and laughing loudly embarrassing. But it’s clear that you love and care about them. Sharing your feelings, thoughts and suggestions can help your parents understand your concerns and modify their behaviour when they are with you. It is also an opportunity for them to share how they view their behaviour.
How to have a gentle conversation where you can communicate while staying respectful:
-
Choose a place and time when everyone is at ease, like at home.
-
Open by appreciating the positive aspects of their public behaviour; for example, talking and laughing loudly is a sign of joy and intimacy.
-
Then, bring up your feelings. Do not target their behaviour. Express that you experience embarrassment when attention is brought to you in public and that their talking loudly puts you in the spotlight. Detailing specific instances can help illustrate the situation; maybe the place was quiet until you arrived, or you feared people were thinking badly of you when they turned to look at you
-
Suggest what can be done to counter this and ask for their opinions. Try approaching it as a team: “We can all be a little more mindful in certain places. How about I make a gesture when I notice people looking at us? Then, we can decide if we need to keep our voices down in case we are disturbing others. What do you think?”
-
End the conversation with gratitude and reaffirm your love and care.
Parents do not always realise how their behaviour affects their children. Hopefully, they will appreciate your honesty and see that you are coming to them with respect and love.
You’ve got this, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by San Hung, a registered psychologist and secondary school counsellor