Asking for a Friend: Help! I’ve grown distant from my best friend. How do I tell them?
Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to.
Being honest with your friends is best, but it can be tricky! Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
I feel I have grown apart from my best friend, especially since we are in different classes this year. I want a little space but don’t know how to explain my feelings without hurting them. What should I do?
Signed, Drifting
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Dear Drifting,
It’s clear you have compassion for your friend. We can sense your hesitation in starting this conversation and your concern for their feelings. Navigating a change in any relationship can be challenging, especially a friendship you want to take from “best friends” to “just friends”.
It can be uncomfortable as many people do not respond well to distance. However, it is normal for friendships to evolve over time; there is no one way they should develop. We hope the following ideas are helpful when approaching this sensitive subject:
Acknowledge how you feel
Take some time to reflect. Embrace your emotions and explore the reasoning behind your desire to adjust the friendship. Allowing yourself time to settle is crucial. Additionally, accepting our feelings gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves and encourages personal growth. Likewise, respecting your friend’s feelings is essential as well.
Treasure your happy moments
Try to be grateful for the good times you have had with your friend, even if you are heading in different directions. Looking back on your joyful memories can keep you resilient, making coping with transition and change in a relationship easier.
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Remain respectful
Be kind and polite to your friend. Mutual respect is important, even if you don’t meet as frequently as you used to. You can spend more time with your own class and continue to greet your friend when you happen to cross paths. Be honest with your friend about your desire to spend more time with your classmates and how it will create distance between you. This gradual approach can help make the transition feel more natural.
Stay open-minded
Having said this, it is still understandable that your friend may not take the conversation well. They may feel uneasy or even upset. Be prepared to listen to their feelings and remain kind and respectful. Let your friend know you’re open to spending time together as friends, even if it’s less frequent. Remember, friendships constantly evolve. Be open to embracing something new about yourself and your friend.
If needed, seek more advice
It is always a good idea to share your feelings and thoughts with a trusted and informed person. They could be your close friends, parents or even teachers. Hopefully, they have some constructive advice and opinions to share!
Even if this friendship does not feel like it used to be, it does not mean it is the end or that you cannot find another best friend. We hope you approach all your friendships with respect, trust, loyalty and genuine concern for each other’s well-being and growth.
Sending you luck, Friend of a Friend
If you need further help or someone to talk to, here are some links:
This question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.