Asking for a Friend: Help! My sister is so mean, but my mum doesn’t believe me. What should I do?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a student who says their parent won’t believe them when their older sibling hits them
It’s normal for siblings to argue, but physical violence is never OK. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
My elder sister is always so mean. She thinks I am her helper and must listen to her orders. She hits or scolds me when I don’t listen and doesn’t care about my feelings. Once, she hurt me when she hit me, but when I told our mother, she believed my sister’s lies and scolded me instead. What should I do?
Signed, Trapped
I used to be close to my aunt, but now she takes all her anger out on me. What should I do?
Dear Trapped,
Thank you for your message and telling us your situation. It is terrible to hear that you are in such a difficult situation with your sister, and it hurts that your mother doesn’t seem to support you.
We can imagine you have mixed feelings toward your sister; she might make you feel hurt, anxious, frustrated and even scared. You must also feel disappointed about your mother’s biased response, which felt quite unfair.
Quarrels are common and normal among even the closest siblings, as they have to share many things and people, like living space and parents.
However, hitting should not be allowed. If your sister hits you again, prioritise your safety; try to walk away and go straight to an adult for protection. You want to avoid being in a physically violent situation.
It seems as if your sister becomes abusive when you don’t listen to her orders. We all have our own perspectives and opinions, and you don’t have to agree with her or follow her orders to avoid conflict. Are there any specific words or phrases that set her off? Try presenting your opinions in other ways. For example, if a direct rejection such as “No, I don’t want to do it” triggers her easily, an indirect rejection such as “I would like to focus on my work” could go down easier.
To be clear, you are not responsible for her reaction or behaviour, and there’s no excuse for her hitting you; we just hope to make your situation easier to handle.
Communication is always smoother and more effective when we are calm. Try to find a quiet time to talk to your sister about your feelings and your expectations and boundaries regarding what she wants you to do. Also, talk to your mother when you are both calm and honestly share your feelings and thoughts about those conflicts with her.
If none of these tips help, you can talk to other adults you trust, such as another family member, school teachers, social workers, and counsellors. Someone will be able to help. If the situation becomes extreme and you feel threatened, call 999, the emergency number, for help. Your safety is of utmost importance.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by San Hung, a registered counselling psychologist (HKPS) in private practice in Hong Kong.