Asking for a Friend: Help! I am too shy to share my feelings. How can I learn to open up?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a student who is nervous about speaking their mind with their family and friends
It can be hard to open up to someone, but it helps build stronger connections. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
I am shy, and it is hard for me to talk about how I feel. I am always afraid that if I disagree with my friends, they may not want to be my friend.
It’s the same with my parents; I don’t correct their mistakes because they might think I am impolite. I never share my deepest feelings with my friends and parents. How can I learn to open up?
Sincerely, Closed Book
Help! I feel so alone, even when I’m surrounded by people
Dear Closed Book,
It was very brave of you to write to us, and we thank you for doing so!
We know sharing your feelings with others is difficult, especially when your opinions contradict another person or show they are wrong. We often wonder whether sharing would make things awkward and whether we would be heard and understood or rejected. These worries keep us from fully opening up.
However, it is human nature to want to share and build connections because we all need to socialise and feel like we belong. You are not alone in this dilemma; many people struggle with these worries.
When it comes to sharing, don’t worry about opening up to strangers. It’s more important to do so with your friends and family. Remember that they care about and love you and want to know what you think, and it’s unlikely that voicing a different opinion would destroy your relationship.
You don’t have to jump from not sharing your thoughts at all to completely opening up and talking about your deepest fears and wishes. Begin by sharing something light, such as “I feel happy when I have ice cream” or “I get upset when I don’t get good grades”. These are pretty non-controversial, low-stakes opinions that people can use to start a conversation.
I overthink everything and it’s stressing me out. What should I do?
Then, when you feel more comfortable, you can add more details and express deeper feelings, like “I feel delighted when I get ice cream, as my parents always bought it for me when we went to the park. It reminds me of spending time with them” or “I am disappointed in my exam marks because I spent so much time studying and I expected a better outcome”.
The depth of what we are willing to reveal changes with how comfortable we feel talking to people and how they react. If someone is respectful, understanding and appears interested, we are more likely to open up. But we refrain from revealing ourselves if we perceive the listener as critical and judgmental. It’s a natural way to protect ourselves.
Sharing and discussing our thoughts with others can help us develop new and more interesting ideas or see sides we have never considered before. It also allows us to bond with others through shared stories and experiences, so it’s important to give it a shot.
This question was answered by San Hung, a counselling psychologist in private practice.