Asking for a Friend: Help! My friend doesn’t work as hard as I do, but she gets better grades than me. What do I do?

My friend is not as hardworking as I am, but she always gets better grades than I do. I really want to catch up to her, but it’s impossible, no matter how hard I work. I feel stressed out because of this big achievement gap, and it makes me doubt my abilities. What should I do?

Sincerely, Someone

I love the sport I play, but I feel bad because my friend is better than me

Dear Someone,

It’s quite normal to compare ourselves to others. However, obsessively focusing on comparison can stress us out and have a negative impact on our mental health.

As a student, academics are obviously very important to you, and we can understand why it would be frustrating to try so hard and not get the results you’re hoping for. There are a few things you can do to help yourself right now:

Accept your negative emotions

It’s normal to feel disappointed when your results don’t meet your expectations, or when someone else’s performance looks better than yours. It is human to feel bad when something doesn’t go the way you want. But try not to let it get you down.

Instead of focusing on how you went wrong, focus on what you did right, and start thinking about what you can do better next time.

My homework has tripled during the pandemic. What do I do?

Appreciate yourself

Academics isn’t just about grades, so learn to look for and appreciate qualities about learning that you love about yourself. Everything about academics requires a lot of work and diligence, such as paying attention in class, completing projects and studying for tests. Do you take notes that your friends are always begging to borrow, because they find them super useful and easy to understand? Are you really active in class? Do you love a subject, like history, so much that you read about it in your free time? These are all admirable traits that not everyone has, and they show a true enthusiasm for learning that will really help you in the future.

Believe in your strength and potential

Everyone is special and unique, and there are many measurements for success. We all have different talents, abilities, and potential. The truth is that we do not need to catch up to other people. It’s much more beneficial to focus on striving for our own goals.

Rather than competing against another person, compete against yourself (with limits, of course! Don’t push yourself so hard that it upsets you!). This is ultimately much better for our self-esteem.

How to be truly happy for others, even when you’re jealous

Learn to appreciate others

It’s important to learn how to genuinely congratulate others for their success, although it might feel difficult at first. This can help shift our minds to a more positive mindset and cultivate more healthy interpersonal relationships. Write down the reasons why you should be happy for your friend. You would want your friend to celebrate your successes, and her achievements don’t cancel out yours.

See if there is anything about your friend’s situation that inspires you, and think about how you can use it to achieve your goals – while making sure to praise yourself for what you’re already doing.

Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend