Asking for a Friend: Help! I struggle with self-harm and don’t know who to turn to
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Dear Friend,
These days, I cannot tell if I am OK or if I need help. I used to struggle with self-harm, and although I have managed to avoid it, the urge to injure myself remains. My parents don’t understand and think my “depression” is just a phase. They want me to be happy and grateful for what I do have. My friends are also unhelpful, and have told me to “get over it”. I don’t know what to do or whom to turn to.
Signed, Hurt and Overwhelmed
Help! I constantly worry about what others think of me
Dear Hurt,
It is really brave of you to share your feelings, and it is important to acknowledge them.
Understand your feelings
It sounds like you are going through a tough time, and it is OK to be confused about whether you need help. Feeling this way does not mean you are weak or ungrateful. It means you’re human. It is common for people to experience periods of sadness or distress, and it is completely OK to seek support.
Your experience
The fact that you have stopped hurting yourself is a significant achievement. If it was a way for you to cope in the past, it is normal for the thought to persist. Those feelings might linger as part of your journey, but there are healthier ways to deal with emotional pain.
Open up
It is frustrating when the people close to you do not fully understand what you are going through. They may mean well, but their advice might not work for you. Try explaining that depression is complex and not just something you can “get over”. If they continue to belittle you, you might need to take space away from them and find other sources of support.
Look for support
Consider seeking out someone trained to help, like a school counsellor or a mental health professional. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings and develop healthy coping strategies. You deserve help that acknowledges your struggles rather than minimising them.
Self-care strategies
In the meantime, try to identify moments that cause the thoughts of self-harm to return. Are there any patterns to these moments? Journaling your thoughts can also help define your feelings. Then, make a list of activities that bring you joy or peace, whether that is listening to music or watching a lighthearted sitcom, reading, spending time in nature or just going to a quiet spot in your neighbourhood. When those feelings arise, refer to your list.
Reaching out for help is a sign of strength. You do not have to go through this alone. If you feel comfortable, talk to a professional. They are trained to know how to support you. You deserve to feel better and to understand what you are going through.
Sending resilience, Friend of a Friend
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of self-harm, call Youth Outreach’s 24-hour hotline (9088 1023) or The Hong Kong Federation of Youth Groups’ Youthline (2777 8899), available Monday to Saturday from 2pm to 2am.
This question was answered by Ken Fung, director of therapy and counselling at The Jadis Blurton Family Development Centre and founder of Your Relationship Clinic.