Asking for a Friend: Help! My friend ditched me for more ‘elite’ students. How can I learn to trust again?

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  • Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
  • This week, we help a student who wonders how they can move on after being abandoned by a pal
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It can be sad and confusing to be ditched by a friend, but it’s important to learn to trust again. Photo: Shutterstock

Need an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!

Dear Friend,

I made a new friend at school and we quickly became inseparable. But she recently said she only wants to befriend “elite students” and has started alienating me. It hurt me so much that I’ve begun shutting myself off from other people. What should I do?

Sincerely, Discarded

My friend spreads rumours about me. How can I end our friendship?

Dear Discarded,

We are so sorry to hear about what happened with your friend. It hurts to be abandoned by your pal and can affect your ability to trust people. Just remember that this is a reflection on them, not you.

It sounds like your former friend is a social climber, someone who values popularity and status and only befriends people who have something they want. This behaviour stems from low self-esteem and insecurity on their part, and it doesn’t help them build genuine friendships.

It doesn’t take away your pain, however. Here are a few tips we hope can help:

It’s totally normal to feel hurt, and you should let yourself feel your feelings. Photo: Shutterstock

Accept your feelings

Let yourself feel hurt and angry. Talk to your other friends and family about what happened; we’re sure they have a story or two to share about a time it happened to them.

How to trust again after being betrayed by a friend

Free yourself and move on

Try not to let yourself become overwhelmed by despair. Instead, practise some self-love by writing down the things you’re good at, reflecting on good memories, or doing an activity you enjoy.

Do things that make you happy, such as listening to your favourite songs, going to a trendy new coffee shop, or watching a cheerful movie. All this can help you build up your emotional energy, which is important for healing.

Give yourself some distance from your former friend. You may still have to see them at school, but you can unfollow them on social media or block them on WhatsApp. This can give you the space you need to process your emotions.

Do things that make you happy, like listening to your favourite music in a cool new cafe. Photo: Shutterstock

Keep your heart open

Being ditched by a friend can mess with your confidence, and we understand why you’re nervous about trusting others. However, it’s not good to shut yourself off from future friendships, as this could leave you feeling very lonely and isolated.

Start with the assumption that someone is trustworthy until they prove they are not. Trust is a key component of friendship but can’t develop without taking a leap of faith. You never know what is around the corner, but maintaining a positive mindset will help you prepare for new and better beginnings.

Healing from emotional wounds takes time and patience, but the friendships you can build will make the work worthwhile.

Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend

Make sure to seek support from your parents, teachers or any mental health professional. You can also check out these online resources:

The question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.

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