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Anthea Rowan

Recently, an acquaintance told me about her brother’s marriage break-up.
“They had sex once in eight years,” she said – as if that were the sole reason.
It would not have been: the couple’s collapsing relationship was the reason. The absence of sex – except for that single occasion in eight years – was a symptom that likely made it worse.
It raises the question, though: is there a sweet spot for sex in a relationship? How many times a week or a month should we be “doing it” to keep a relationship alive and well?
A decade ago, researcher Amy Muise, a professor in the department of psychology at York University in Toronto, Canada, and a past president-elect of the Canadian Sex Research Forum, published a study that asked whether having sex more often makes a person happier. The answer was yes, up to about once a week, and then it plateaus.
The pattern held only for people in relationships. For single people, sexual frequency was not significantly linked to well-being at all. Notably, once a week was roughly the average frequency among established couples in the data.
There was a lot of press response to the study, with headlines like “More sex makes us happy, but once a week may be enough”, “Couples who have sex weekly are happiest” and “For a happier life, have sex once a week”.
In August 2023, the Family Planning Knowledge, Attitude and Practice in Hong Kong Survey – conducted every five years – found that the Hong Kong couples polled were having sex 3.1 times a month, down from 3.7 times in 2017 and 4.3 times in 2012.

Is more sex better?
Jill Carter, a sex-therapy specialist and co-founder of Momentum Counselling in Hong Kong, says that before we get worked up over how much sex we ought to be having, the question we need to ask ourselves should be: “Is more sex really better?”
“One of the problems with asking how often happy couples have sex is that the question itself can reinforce the idea that there is a ‘normal’ amount of sex couples should be having,” Carter says. “There really isn’t a magic number.”
She refers to the work of American sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski, author of books including the bestseller Come as You Are. Carter says Nagoski “encourages us to move away from measuring sexual well-being by frequency and towards looking at the quality and experience of the sexual connection”.
Everybody is different in their sexual wants and whens.
“The problem often begins when couples start comparing themselves with what they think everyone else is doing,” Carter says. “Keeping score doesn’t necessarily lead to better intimacy. In fact, sometimes keeping score is precisely what gets in the way of it.”
That will come as a relief to those with stressful lives, especially in Hong Kong, where many couples deal with long working hours, demanding careers, small living spaces, children and little privacy.
Stress is key to sexual desire, Carter says. “People respond to stress differently. For one person, sex may be a wonderful way to decompress and reconnect. For their partner, stress and exhaustion may make accessing desire extremely difficult. Neither response is wrong.”

Confined living spaces can add another layer – they feel less private, especially when there are children in them.
“Imagine two new parents living in a small flat,” Carter says. “They’re exhausted, one or both are working, the baby wakes at night, privacy has disappeared and their conversations revolve around logistics: feeding, sleep, childcare, appointments and who’s doing what. Sex may decline dramatically, but the problem isn’t necessarily sex.”
Rather than suggest that they need to have sex once a week, “they need help to rebuild the conditions in which intimacy can emerge again”, she says.
It’s not all about sex
Intimacy does not necessarily mean intercourse either, Carter stresses. It can include kissing, massage or simply being physically close. And it does not end with touch. Emotional intimacy matters too: talking, laughing, going out for dinner without phones.
“When couples are struggling sexually, one of the things I sometimes encourage is a once-a-week ‘intimacy date’, where the goal isn’t intercourse,” Carter says.
That reminds them both of something important: the other person is not just someone they run a household and raise children with, but their partner and lover. “That can be incredibly bonding.”

Returning to the couple who only had sex once in eight years – what might Carter say to them?
“When a couple tells me that sex has virtually disappeared from the relationship, I’m interested in what else has disappeared,” she says.
While little intimacy – and no intercourse – in a relationship can be the consequence of life and exhaustion getting in the way, there can be bigger things at play beyond the superficial stress.
“There may also be unresolved resentment or conflict, or they may no longer have fun together.”
In a case like this, Carter says she would want to understand what happened to the connection between these two people.
The Gottman Method for couples counselling highlights how healthy relationships are built through small positive interactions, not grand gestures.
“It doesn’t always have to be a romantic dinner,” Carter says. “It’s smiling at your partner, touching them as you walk past, laughing together, saying thank you, showing appreciation, kissing goodbye or demonstrating that you’re interested in their day.”

Enjoyable sex beats frequency for couples’ happiness
Nearly a decade after her original study, Muise’s latest research finds evidence of a shift: a satisfying sex life leads to a happier relationship rather than the reverse. Simply having more sex may not lead to greater satisfaction, but rather, greater sexual enjoyment leads to more frequent sex, and an enjoyable sex life can be more important than the mere frequency of sex for a happier relationship.
As Muise, now director of the Sexual Health and Relationships (Share) Lab at York University, puts it: “When sex is more satisfying, you are more likely to have more of it in the future.”
In short, frequency is not the key to a happy relationship – it is the payoff. Satisfaction is what actually drives both a stronger relationship and a more active sex life. Aiming for a specific number misses the point entirely: sex-life frequency is a sign of a thriving relationship, not the tool used to build one.
Carter says we should not use a certain number of times a week or a month as a prescription. Rather, we should use the research as a reminder that intimacy matters.
Jill Carter’s tips for nurturing intimacy

Schedule the opportunity for connection, not the obligation to have intercourse.


Agree to protect that time – put away your phones, step out of your roles as parents or professionals.


Broaden the “menu” of what intimacy means – being close, being playful, laughing.


Do not ask yourself: “Did we have sex this week?” Ask yourself: “Did we create space for pleasure, affection and connection with each other this week?”


Do not judge your sex life by other people’s – especially from reading headlines in the media.

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Satisfying sex boosts relationship happiness more than frequency, and intimacy thrives on connection, not a number, according to experts


Satisfying sex boosts relationship happiness more than frequency, and intimacy thrives on connection, not a number, according to experts.


Sex and relationships

Mental health

How much sex should a couple have? Focus on quality over quantity, experts say

.css-1c6uqr6{color:inherit;font-weight:inherit;font-size:inherit;font-family:inherit;line-height:inherit;overflow-wrap:break-word;}Satisfying sex boosts relationship happiness more than frequency, and intimacy thrives on connection, not a number, according to experts

Satisfying sex boosts relationship happiness more than frequency, and intimacy thrives on connection, not a number, according to experts