Asking for a Friend: Help! I want more say in who attends my birthday
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Dear Friend,
My parents are planning a birthday celebration for me but have invited all our relatives, including some people I don’t like. I want it to be my birthday party and to be able to decide who will attend. How do I convince my parents to let me have more say in the guest list without sounding ungrateful for the event?
Signed, Birthday Blues
Help! I’ve grown distant from my best friend. How do I tell them?
Dear Birthday,
Here are some things you could try:
Talk about your feelings
Have an open, honest conversation with your parents. Express how you appreciate their party planning efforts.
Then clearly communicate your concerns using “I feel” statements such as “Certain relatives make me uncomfortable, and I don’t feel good about having them at my birthday party” instead of “You should not invite people I don’t like”.
You could explain to your parents why you do not like these relatives. This information will help them understand why this matters to you and help you decide what your boundaries should be.
If these relatives have repeatedly disrespected you, hurt you or made you uncomfortable, your parents should focus on how to protect you best.
Try to compromise
If you dislike these relatives over something minor, you can discuss a compromise with your parents. Find a middle ground that respects your wishes and your parents’ desire to include family. Remember this involves give and take. You could:
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Have two separate celebrations: one with family and one with just your friends.
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Invite a limited number of relatives you’re comfortable with.
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Plan activities during the party that allow you to spend time with the people you want to.
Understand your parents’ perspective
Your parents may feel obliged to invite certain relatives and not realise how strongly you feel about them. They probably want to celebrate you and maintain family relationships. Acknowledging their perspective can help you have a more productive conversation.
Explain your desire for independence
As a teenager, wanting more control over your life, including social events, is natural and healthy. Calmly explain to your parents why having a say in who comes to your party is important to you. Try framing it as an opportunity for you to practise decision-making and responsibility.
Ask someone to mediate
If you cannot agree, ask a trusted adult who can act as a neutral third party to help mediate the discussion. They may be able to offer fresh perspectives and help find a solution that works for everyone.
Focus on the bigger picture
It is possible that your relationship with your parents is more important than this single event. Try to find a solution that keeps your family together while respecting your wishes.
Remember, navigating conflicts like this is an important part of growing up and developing healthy family connections. Stay calm and be willing to compromise, and you will increase the chances of finding a solution that works for everyone involved.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Andrew Stock, a clinical psychologist and partner at TherapyPartners and president of the Psychotherapy Society of Hong Kong.