Why the stories of two unmarried women resonate with millions of Chinese 20-somethings
- Short film gone viral examines the dilemma between traditional values and modern quests for individual freedom
- Titled ‘Meet Me Halfway’, the video was viewed some 18 million times within 24 hours after release
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The Year of the Pig has marked a new beginning for Duan Yuli and Yang Yang, two 20-something women living and working in Shanghai.
Duan, 28, originally from Anqing, and Yang, 25, from Wenzhou, have mixed feelings about Chinese New Year for a long time. The year’s most important holiday sees about 400 million Chinese return home to visit their parents and extended families. But both women, and millions like them, dreaded it for one shared reason: the inevitable “marriage question”.
They love their parents and want to spend time with them, but they also know that at every family gathering, they will be asked when they will find the right man and get married. This year, the pair decided to take action and turn the situation around.
Their stories have been captured in a mini-documentary, Meet Me Halfway, by luxury skincare and beauty brand SK-II. The film is part of an ongoing series built on the global platform #ChangeDestiny that was launched by the company in 2016 to facilitate dialogue about the pressure families can exert on women to marry.
Like many women in today’s China, Duan and Yang believe in love, but they do not think marriage is the only lifestyle for them.
“Fate brings people together,” said Duan, who works in commercial real estate. “Meeting people is not hard and some people fall in love at first sight. For me, it’s just not time yet.”
“[Marriage] shouldn’t be something you are forced into. And if one doesn’t get married, it’s not the end of the world,” said Yang, a broadcast teacher.
“I have been in relationships, but there was not a prospective husband that I felt I could bring home.”
When worlds collide
China is the world’s second-biggest economy and a major player on the international stage, but many Chinese retain deeply held conservative views when it comes to family values. The pressure to marry mounts on single women as they near 30.
Duan and Yang are millennials, and their views don’t always reflect conservative society, although they understand where their parents are coming from. Older Chinese don’t just see marriage as the norm, they also see it as creating a family and producing grandchildren as an expression of filial piety. They also wonder: who is going to take care of the family as they age and reach their golden years without offspring?
“I know my parents are worried about my future, but it is my life and I will be the only one responsible for it,” said Yang.
Not long after they had embarked on their careers, the questions started. Fearing that an honest answer would break their parents’ hearts, the two resorted to making excuses.
“I didn’t avoid going back home since, after all, I love my parents, but I really didn’t want to discuss the question of marriage with them,” said Yang. “I would always have excuses prepared, whether it was being too busy with work to date or the ‘I just haven’t met the right man’ line.”
What most concerned the young women, however, was how the topic caused a rift in the family.
“Our relationship was in quite a rough patch at one point because of the marriage issue,” Duan said.
Words unspoken
After each New Year holiday, it would be months before the women would see their parents again, with only an occasional phone call. Both Duan and Yang understood that the situation was unworkable and that something had to be done before the distance grew too wide.
With encouragement from SK-II, they decided to take back control of the discussion and initiate a conversation with their parents. The plan was to write a letter home to come clean about all the excuses that had been made and to convey the most important message: I am happy leading an independent life.
Putting the words on paper was no easy task. It was not what to say that was the challenge but how to start.
“Writing the letter was quite an emotional experience for me. I hadn’t really written a letter for a very long time, and it was especially tough when the recipients were my parents,” Duan said.
But it had to be done, as it was the first step toward fixing and restoring an irreplaceable bond, and they felt their parents deserved to hear the truth.
“I thought long and hard for some two to three hours before I started writing it,” Yang said. “The first draft was done on the computer and then I wrote everything on paper.”
It was more nerve-racking for the pair after the letter was sent, as Duan and Yang awaited their parents’ response. Then the phone rang.
Duan recalled the conversation clearly. “My dad maintained his stern persona by criticising my grammar and writing, saying it needed improvements. Mum showed a much-softened attitude toward the whole situation.”
Yang said: “Mum was quite touched by the letter and felt that it cleared the air between us.”
Journey home
With the conversation on track, the daughters suggested to their parents they meet halfway, literally, between Shanghai and their home cities. The scenic resort town of Yangshuo in Guilin was the destination.
Meeting was quite a positive experience and not as unnerving as I expected. We just focused on catching up,” Duan said.
The letter and ensuing get-together have brought more positivity than either side expected. With nothing left unsaid, the daughter-parent relationships have greatly improved. The parents feel they know their children as they have never before.
For Duan and Yang, there is much more to talk with their parents about – including work, their daily life and their aspirations – and they are now more willing to express an opinion, which they know will be respected. They are finally seen, rightfully so, as adults in charge of their own lives.
Duan and Yang are real-life examples of how women in China, increasingly educated and independent, and are living lives that their mothers and grandmothers could not dream of.
Their stories touched a chord, so much so that within 24 hours of the documentary’s release, it had been viewed more than 18 million times, accompanied by feverish online conversations.
China’s netizens were inspired to open up and shared their own experiences and heartfelt thoughts.
“I was moved to tears. Every time I talk with my parents about getting married, we start arguing. I just want to share this with my parents. Thanks for telling me what I was reluctant to tell them,” said one Weibo user.
“I am 24 years old but my family is already urging me to get married. I am told it is no good for girls to have such a ‘strong’ character. After watching this, I’m looking forward to being a better version of myself,” wrote another Weibo user.
The tide is changing, but there is still some way to go and nothing is to be taken for granted. Progress often takes time and these women are not passive participants. They are playing their part in driving change for China, society and their destiny.