Opinion | The horror – and humour – of my husband’s huge ugly feet
- Our writer recalls a pre-Covid-19 moment that still has the power to make her laugh
Picture the scene: Daddy in the BC times (“Before Covid”) on the beach at Clear Water Bay ogling a group of impossibly beautiful Gen Zers frolicking (actually frolicking!) with each other, instead of social distancing. They’re all lithe, tan, with sun-bleached hair and white teeth – you know the type. The type you fear your cute, chubby kids will grow into.
Anyway, as they play flirtatiously with a beach ball, the wind takes it and Yuanfen guides it towards Daddy (that’s my husband, not my father). Wishing to appear vigorous and youthful, instead of the crinkly, meat-stinking, un-woke (walking dead) Gen Xer he really is, Daddy leaps to his feet and prepares to kick the beach ball back.
Imagine the scene in slow motion, as I often do, when I throw my head back and laugh out loud in the queue for the checkout at Fusion, or in the saddest part of a movie, or during a dinner party, where my host is tearfully explaining that she’s just had to pop her 84 year old mother into a care home – and the image of Daddy just randomly pops into my mind! Five smiling teenage supermodels watching Daddy as he pulls back his foot ready to return the beach ball.
Picture the moment as Daddy makes contact with the beach ball and it FREAKIN’ POPS, as Daddy’s BIG-TOE FOOT-CLAW punctures their poor ball. Imagine the looks of dismay and confusion, quickly followed by sheer undisguised horror that Generation X-Men like Daddy should be allowed to walk foot-naked on white sandy beaches with their claws unsheathed.
After the “incident”, I booked Daddy in for a pedicure at Sense of Touch. The next time I popped in there, the manager solemnly explained to me that the beautician who’d treated Daddy’s foot claw had ended up having to see a grief counsellor.
It’s not Daddy’s fault. His salmon-snatchers just have the superpower to grow very quickly. Daddy goes through socks like a unicorn goes through berets. He can scarify the lawn without equipment. If Daddy played footsie with me, there’s every chance I would bleed out.