Feeling detached, disconnected, unreal: the mental disorder when you feel distant from your body

Depersonalisation is a little-understood disorder that leaves sufferers feeling separated from their body and can even see themselves as someone else

Nathan Dunne has suffered from it for over a decade. Once on the edge of suicide, he has learned to navigate his symptoms and regain a sense of self

Reading Time:6 minutes

Depersonalisation caused Nathan Dunne to feel his life was nearing its end at the age of just 28. Photo: Nathan Dunne

Published: 5:00am, 4 Jul 2019Updated: 7:30pm, 4 Jul 2019

I would stare at my hands and think, “I’m not me”. No matter where I was, in the middle of a busy street or at my dining table at home, the condition would be the same. It was like looking at my hands through a plate of glass. Although I could feel the skin on my palms, it did not feel like my own. Half of myself would move through the day while the other half watched. I was split in two.

Nothing I did would relieve the condition. I went to see an ophthalmologist, convinced I had cataracts. The verdict was near-perfect vision. I tried taking time off work, talking with family and writing notes about how my life had become a simulation. Each morning I would stare at the mirror in an attempt to recognise myself, but the distance between my body and this new, outer eye only grew larger.

I began to believe I was becoming psychotic and would soon be in a psychiatric ward. I was 28, working as a copywriter while pursuing a PhD in art history, and I felt my life was nearing its end.

One evening in April 2008, as I contemplated another helpless night trapped beyond my body, full-blown panic set in. I took up the phone, ready to dial for emergency, when suddenly music began to play from downstairs. It was a nauseating pop song that my neighbour played incessantly, but something about the melody gave me pause.

The next day I began a series of frustrating doctor visits. First with my physician, then a neurologist, gastroenterologist and chiropractor. I said that I had never taken drugs or drank alcohol excessively. While I was fatigued from my doctoral study, I didn’t think this qualified me for the split in the self that had occurred.

The diagnosis was anxiety-related depression. I was prescribed an antidepressant and told to use an online guide to CBT, or cognitive behaviour therapy, which used cartoons to ask me basic questions about relationships, diet and sleep.

Feeling detached, disconnected, unreal: the mental disorder when you feel distant from your body

Depersonalisation is a little-understood disorder that leaves sufferers feeling separated from their body and can even see themselves as someone else Nathan Dunne has suffered from it for over a decade. Once on the edge of suicide, he has learned to navigate his symptoms and regain a sense of self

Depersonalisation is a little-understood disorder that leaves sufferers feeling separated from their body and can even see themselves as someone else

Nathan Dunne has suffered from it for over a decade. Once on the edge of suicide, he has learned to navigate his symptoms and regain a sense of self