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Luisa Tam

The concept of “sleep divorce” has garnered much attention recently because of its endorsement by Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz.
Diaz supports couples sleeping in separate bedrooms, saying that it can establish clear boundaries for personal space and ultimately lead to improved sleep quality. This, in turn, can help in managing conditions such as depression and anxiety, which may otherwise strain a relationship.
Her bold statement, “Love should not get in the way of a good night of sleep”, has sparked diverse reactions from both supporters and critics.
I am acquainted with three couples who have embraced this practice for years, with one couple even maintaining adjacent separate flats while remaining happily married for decades.

Proponents argue that sleeping separately can enhance both sleep and mental well-being, particularly benefiting parents of young children.
Opponents express shock at the idea, perceiving it as a deviation from the traditional notion of a full-time partnership where individuals must navigate challenges, including incompatible sleeping patterns, together.
Nonetheless, fervent advocate Diaz goes as far as recommending the normalisation of such sleeping arrangements.
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Sleeping separately has been proven to have a positive impact on some couples’ relationships by effectively addressing specific sleep-related issues and enhancing overall well-being. The concept of a “sleep divorce” has been suggested as a means to sidestep conflicts and fortify the bond between partners.
Individuals often have divergent sleep preferences, including bedtime and wake-up times, room temperature, and mattress firmness. These variations can disrupt one partner’s sleep, potentially leading to irritability and interpersonal discord. There is also, of course, the issue of snoring.
Sleeping separately allows each partner to tailor their sleep environment to suit their unique needs, thereby promoting optimal rest, improved sleep quality and enhanced mood, ultimately contributing to a healthier relationship.

Recognising the pivotal role of quality sleep in fostering emotional and physical intimacy underscores the importance of attending to individual sleep requirements. Prioritising rest allows couples to wake up rejuvenated, invigorated and emotionally attuned to nurture their relationship.
Establishing physical boundaries, such as separate sleeping quarters, can help couples set healthy boundaries across various facets of their relationship, fostering autonomy, independence and mutual respect.
Contrary to conventional thinking, opting to sleep separately necessitates open and transparent communication, comprehension, and mutual consent within the relationship. Engaging in conversations about the reasons for such a sleep arrangement can cultivate empathy, problem-solving capabilities and a stronger bond between partners.
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Valentina Tudose, a relationship expert and certified hypnotherapist, explains that the tradition of bed-sharing among couples traces back to ancient times, when early humans sought safety and warmth by remaining together.
“Throughout history, the majority of individuals resided in cramped, chilly quarters shared with at least one other person, hence it is ingrained in our beliefs that couples must share a bed.
“Evidence from numerous studies reveals that affectionate couples who share a bed experience more REM sleep and feel heightened security and closeness to their partners, resulting in reduced levels of anxiety and depression.”

Nevertheless, she emphasises that some couples encounter significant disparities in their sleeping preferences, which can negate the advantages of sleeping together.
She says the decision to have separate bedrooms is not necessarily a reflection of a relationship’s health but can serve as a valuable tool in specific situations. Separate bedrooms can help prevent irritability and improve patience, reducing unnecessary conflicts that may arise from issues like snoring or bedtime habits.
Furthermore, she points out that separate sleeping arrangements can be especially beneficial for parents, allowing one partner to rest while the other attends to the needs of a nursing baby.
It can also inject variety and excitement into a couple’s intimate life by breaking the routine of sharing the same bed every night.
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However, Tudose cautions against using separate bedrooms as a solution for deeper relationship issues.
If the decision to sleep separately stems from a sense of disconnection or a desire to create physical distance out of discomfort, it may indicate underlying problems within the relationship, such as a lack of communication or unresolved conflicts, she says.
In Hong Kong, where space is at premium and many people do not have the luxury of a spare bedroom to sleep in, Tudose says couples will need to try to create their own versions of a sleep divorce.
“In a city where most residents reside in relatively compact apartments, often shared with other family members, the idea of separate bedrooms can pose a significant challenge that demands thoughtful compromise.
“In instances where sleep preferences are influenced by factors like ambient noise or room temperature, practical solutions such as using earplugs, eye masks or investing in mattress covers with electronic temperature control can make a difference,” she says.
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Moreover, when differing sleep schedules are the issue at hand, couples can consider compromises such as opting for two single beds instead of one double, and using technology such as silent alarms to minimise disruptions when one partner needs to rise early.
Importantly, Tudose emphasises that if sleep separation hints at deeper underlying relationship issues, merely changing sleeping arrangements is unlikely to resolve the core problems. Seeking guidance from a relationship coach or counsellor can be instrumental in identifying the causes and crafting effective solutions.
It is crucial to acknowledge that each relationship is unique, and strategies that prove beneficial for one couple may not necessarily apply to another.
Prioritising transparent communication, mutual respect and a keen understanding of each other’s needs form the bedrock of a resilient and thriving partnership, regardless of whether partners opt for shared or separate sleeping arrangements.
Luisa Tam is a Post editor who also hosts video tutorials on Cantonese language that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme.


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Lifestyle

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Opinion

Hong Kong Opinion

Health & Wellness

Health

Sleeping separately can help manage anxiety, foster mutual respect and lots more, though an expert says affectionate couples who share a bed get more REM sleep
In space-deprived Hong Kong, couples can use earplugs, eye masks or temperature-control mattress covers to sleep better, or opt for two single beds


The idea of ‘sleep divorce’ hit headlines recently after Cameron Diaz espoused its benefits. Here are the pros and cons of couples sleeping in separate bedrooms, which can even benefit their sex lives.


Health & Fitness

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Wellness

Mental health

Expresses the views, ideas and conclusions of the author. (Eg. Enough of Crazy Rich Asians, think of crazy poor Hongkongers.)


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