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Luisa Tam

Spousal spying could be as innocent as glancing over your partner’s shoulder to see who they are texting or what they’re looking at when browsing their socials.
But in extreme cases, it can involve installing “stalkerware” on their phone to monitor their calls, texts, browser history, photos, location and even conversations.
Whatever the form, all spying is motivated by a lack of trust and insecurity from the prying partner.
If that’s what you’re doing right now, then here’s the bottom line: it will not bring you peace of mind.
How to find love in 2022: advice and dating tips from a relationship expert
In fact, watching your partner’s every move will only create more issues in the long run as this behaviour feeds the mistrust, which will drive a wedge between the two of you.
But it does beg the question: why do people feel the need to spy on their partner in the first place?
Sometimes it could just be an innocuous curiosity about who their partner is talking to or wanting to know the private details of the other person’s life, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
But if you are spying because you suspect your partner of cheating, it could have serious consequences if you are wrong.

Christine Deschemin, a certified clinical hypnotherapist and founder of the Hong Kong-based Renewed Edge Counselling and Hypnotherapy Centre, warns that those who are thinking of spying on their partner should beware of the consequences.
“Tracking devices like Apple’s AirTag have become commercially ubiquitous, and they can be a threat to relationships in which there is a mistrustful partner,” she says.
“There are also thousands of apps marketed as theft protection or child-monitoring tools that can be used to spy on a partner, but this is nothing new. In fact, mobile technology has made it far easier for people to indulge in these sorts of behaviours.”

If you are thinking of using stalkerware, Deschemin recommends that you ask yourself a few questions first.
How would you feel if someone spied on you? Are you willing to destroy the relationship over your suspicions? And what are the reasons for your lack of trust?
“The more you deal with the uncomfortable feelings that have led you to consider using spyware, the more rational you will become,” she says. “Chances are that you will refrain from using such spyware because you know you will be compromising the most important ingredient in your relationship: trust.”

But what if you are being spied on? What should you do?
“There are many reasons why a partner spies on the other person. Their insecurity might stem from their own past experiences or from their partner’s past behaviour,” Deschemin says.
“You can discuss where the insecurity comes from and work from there. Make sure to respond to their feelings instead of putting them down. After this, you should establish boundaries and let the other person know that snooping is unacceptable. Then you can set a time frame for how long you are willing to work through it and rebuild the trust. If it goes nowhere, you should seek couples’ therapy.
“For the person who has used stalkerware, I would recommend working on overcoming their sense of insecurity,” she concludes.

Some spies might excuse their behaviour by saying they want to trust their spouse more or feel more secure about their relationship, reasons Deschemin disagrees with.
“What is trust? It is the belief that someone can be relied on. It is critical in any meaningful relationship, be it romantic, filial or friendship. The most important benefit of trust is a sense of security and ease.
“Therefore, those who spy on their partners do it out of a sense of insecurity. I would urge those who feel the need to spy on their partner to work on the source of their insecurity instead of feeding it.
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“Insecurity does not only rear its ugly head in romantic relationships – it also leads to erratic, clingy and unpredictable behaviours that push away people. So instead of focusing on a ‘quick fix’ like spyware, I would recommend building a foundation of security and positive attachments. The benefits will only multiply over time.”
As cliché as it sounds, trust also requires something of a leap of faith on our part. After all, if one of the basic foundations of a relationship is trust, and we go into every single relationship assuming that our partner is not to be trusted, then how can the relationship grow?
Luisa Tam is a Post correspondent who also hosts video tutorials on Cantonese language that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme


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Sex and relationships

Is your spouse spying on you? Or are you snooping on your SO? How to deal with the trust and insecurity issues

Spousal spying can range from glancing at who someone is texting to extreme cases of installing spyware and stalkerware on their phone. Photo: Shutterstock

Spying on a loved one’s phone activities could have serious consequences for the relationship. Illustration: Marcelo Duhalde

Hypnotherapist Christine Deschemin. Photo: Berton Chang

Apple’s AirTags can be a threat to relationships in which there is a mistrustful partner, Deschemin says.

Couples need to discuss where a spying partner’s insecurities come from. Photo: Shutterstock

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From glancing at who someone is texting to extreme cases of installing stalkerware on their phones, the root of spousal spying is often the same
An expert says couples must discuss where insecurities stem from and establish boundaries, giving a time frame for when trust issues should be resolved



Spousal spying can range from glancing at who someone is texting to extreme cases of installing spyware and stalkerware on their phone, but the root is often the same.


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The Naked Truth

The Naked Truth | Is your spouse spying on you? Or are you snooping on your SO? How to deal with the trust and insecurity issues

From glancing at who someone is texting to extreme cases of installing stalkerware on their phones, the root of spousal spying is often the same An expert says couples must discuss where insecurities stem from and establish boundaries, giving a time frame for when trust issues should be resolved

From glancing at who someone is texting to extreme cases of installing stalkerware on their phones, the root of spousal spying is often the same

An expert says couples must discuss where insecurities stem from and establish boundaries, giving a time frame for when trust issues should be resolved