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Luisa Tam

The other day I was talking with a good friend about “escape velocity”, likening it to the amount of courage and determination needed to end a relationship rather than pondering its scientific definition.
The phrase came up during our conversation, which revolved primarily around how my friend could summon the courage to exit his long-term marriage in the most amicable way possible.
Tips for emotional spring cleaning: declutter your heart and detox your psyche
The term, which usually refers to the thrust required for an object to overcome the pull of gravity of a massive entity eg a planet, seemed more than apt in this situation.
The escape velocity we were discussing related to the emotional power required for my friend to confront his wife about their moribund marriage.

Ending a relationship is never easy, whatever age you are, and my friend’s quandary was no exception. When it comes to ending long-term relationships, it is especially difficult because both individuals have built a shared history over many years, and it is frightening to know that all of that can be destroyed in a second.
My friend’s predicament is not uncommon, though; many married couples who have been together for donkey’s years may lack sexual or emotional intimacy. Some even have little interest in each other’s personal lives. In my friend’s case, his wife – according to him – is a control freak, and he suspects having a failed marriage would devastate her because it would show that their marriage was beyond her control.
He said she fell apart recently when she realised he was having an affair. She accused him of breaking his vows and destroying their marriage. But to him, the marriage was broken a long time ago when she stopped caring for him and focused solely on her career.

To his surprise, she did not do what most wives would, which is to ask for a divorce. This proved to be a disappointing outcome for my friend, as his escape plan did not work.
Her reaction bears testimony to her overbearing personality, and a lot of people like her, who are often successful in their careers, would view a failed marriage as a huge failure on both a personal and professional level. Therefore, no matter how bad it is, these individuals will cling on to blissful ignorance because the alternative would be perceived by them as an insufferable blemish on an otherwise perfect existence.
For that reason, my friend suspects she would resist a divorce, which is why he is looking for ways to build up the force of his “escape velocity”.
Many long-term couples would reluctantly accept the sad state of a long-term relationship and plough on even though the love, passion, and sex has eroded over time. To those clinging on to a dying marriage, the alternative is not an option because it would mean venturing into the unknown.
People stay in an unhappy marriage for many reasons. For some, it is too expensive to live apart, especially when they have shared properties or are paying a mortgage together. Some want to avoid paying alimony, some feel sorry for their partners after being emotionally blackmailed with reasons like “I have nowhere to go”, “I am too old to start dating again”, or “I will become a laughing stock among friends and relatives”.

But if you really feel trapped in a relationship or marriage, because you are unhappy or feel downtrodden, it is up to you to change that. This holds true especially when you know that your partner will make little or no effort to improve things, or they are too indifferent to the situation to initiate any sort of change.
Building up your escape velocity means preparing yourself against being emotionally blackmailed and talked into staying. One way to make yourself immune to these tactics is to talk to supportive friends and relatives. This way, when you finally initiate your exit sequence, you will have friends to catch you when you fall.
You probably will not get everyone’s approval and will attract some unsolicited opinions, but this is not an excuse to avoid addressing the issue at hand. Once it is out there, it will leave your partner with no ammunition to hold you hostage or humiliate you.
This kind of communication should also cover your children, because they will be the most affected by such a dramatic change of circumstance.
Chinese Lothario faces court after flirtatious phone calls
Finally, you need to talk to yourself and prepare yourself for what’s to come, because you need to see it through by channelling enough escape velocity from within.
At this stage, you should already have explored and understood the real reasons behind your desire to terminate a long-standing relationship. Ultimately, it should be about you and your happiness, and not about leaving your partner for another person.
You can do this by asking yourself if you can derive happiness from yourself, and not another person. Once you are absolutely sure of this, you must empower yourself to move towards that goal.
Leaving is not easy and very often the temptation to stay put is greater. I have seen many people who have chosen the latter and allowed their lives to continue to fester.
Try this mantra to boost your escape velocity – “I do not want to wait for a miracle to change my life, I can change it now.”
Luisa Tam is a senior editor at the Post


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Sex and relationships

Marriage dead? How to end a partnership that’s going nowhere

legal divorce papers with pen, closeup 

CREDIT : SHUTTERSTOCK

Broken couple

CREDIT : SHUTTERSTOCK

If your marriage is dead and you want out, you need to develop sufficient “escape velocity” to succeed. Illustration Marcelo Duhalde

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Jealousy is not a sign of love and can kill off a relationship, experts warn. Illustration: Marcelo Duhalde

***ONE TIME USE ONLY, PLEASE CLEAR THE COPYRIGHTS BEFORE RE-USE - OTUO*** Ariadna Peretz, Founder and Managing Director of Maitre D'ate Photo: Handout

Lifestyle

Family & Relationships

Opinion

Comment

Hong Kong

Asia

It takes courage and will power to walk away from a long-term relationship
Don’t wait for a miracle to mend what’s broken – take control


Divorce is not always the obvious solution to end a relationship that’s dead in the water; when one partner resists that option, reach out to friends for support and ensure children are included in discussions about your plans


Sex and love in China

Expresses the views, ideas and conclusions of the author. (Eg. Enough of Crazy Rich Asians, think of crazy poor Hongkongers.)


Column

The Naked Truth

The Naked Truth | Marriage dead? How to end a partnership that’s going nowhere

It takes courage and will power to walk away from a long-term relationship Don’t wait for a miracle to mend what’s broken – take control

It takes courage and will power to walk away from a long-term relationship

Don’t wait for a miracle to mend what’s broken – take control