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Rebecca Tomasis

In defence of Hong Kong parents - of which I am proudly one - it is not easy to raise independent children in this city of ours. Most enjoy the luxury of domestic help, and full-time live-in help at that. 
This means that very few of us do any of the household chores or jobs that children should be encouraged to do to foster a sense of independence. 
It is very difficult to ask them to make their own bed every morning when Mummy and Daddy don't make their own bed - ever. 
I grew up in Hong Kong, which has made me incapable of completing any household chore. I can't iron, sew or cook, and my husband insists my attempts at cleaning anything leave much to be desired. It's difficult for me to encourage my children to do what I never do. So much of parenting is learning by example. So it's no wonder that independence remains one of the more elusive qualities of Hong Kong children. 
I try, anyway. My husband and I are keen to raise independent children, and so we do what we can to make this a reality in a home where there is always someone around to help. 
My eldest two children love to bake, as all young children do. So I encourage this as much as possible. I let them crack eggs, measure out the flour, and make the cake mixture. My daughter, who is nearly three, loves to help cut the mushrooms that will go in her  dinner.  Armed with a plastic knife, she stands on her little wooden chair next to my helper and hacks away. 
Just because I am incapable of producing anything edible from the kitchen doesn't mean I don't want my children to learn how to cook. That they learn it from my helper  does not bother me. That they learn it is enough. 
 I think our three children - aged 41/2, almost three, and just four months - are reasonably independent for their ages. Although maybe the youngest can be granted an exemption. He is too busy trying to roll over without trapping his arm under him to worry about independence.
Our eldest is very good at feeding himself. Non-Hong Kong parents would probably gasp in horror here at my suggesting that a child that age shouldn't be able to confidently feed himself. But my son has plenty of friends the same age, and some older friends, who still need to be coaxed through every mouthful by a helper. 
But if my son is anything to go by, boys are lazy when it comes to the whole independence thing. I know he can dress and undress himself, but he won't. I know he rarely goes into the sandpit at school because to do so he has to take his own shoes and socks off, and then put them back on again afterwards. That is something he just won't do. Unless it's slipping on or kicking off Crocs. 
Yet our little girl, at almost three, is fiercely independent. She will push Mummy or Auntie away so she can dress herself. Even though she quite often ends up with two legs in one trouser hole, she is never daunted by the complications. I indulge her cries for independence and let her get on with it. 
Our son has picked up on his younger sister's growing independence, and he exploits it to his advantage. If she is in a good mood, he can get her to open his water bottle and pass it to him. 
I have a friend, another Hong Kong-raised child, who didn't learn to tie his own shoes until he had been at primary school for quite a few years. He always used to get his younger sister to do it for him! 
Teaching children to be independent requires a great deal of patience and a tolerance for mess. Our eldest son currently likes to use a knife to cut his own food. Mealtime after mealtime, this means me biting my lip as food slides off the plate and into the waiting mouth of one of our dogs. But I have to accept that this is a skill he needs to learn, and will learn only by practising by himself. 
Socially our eldest two children are now reasonably independent. Our son used to be very clingy at birthday parties, but he seems to have outgrown that now. 
Hong Kong is undoubtedly a unique city in which to raise independent children. Most children have adults fussing over them all day. It is quite natural here for a helper or grandparent to carry a kindergarten child's bag to and from school every day. 
I think that if a child is old enough to attend school, they are old enough to carry their own bag. We demand so much of our children academically and yet not enough in terms of getting them to do things for themselves. 
Every parent knows how important it is to raise independent toddlers, who will become independent children and then independent teenagers. Finally, they will be independent adults who can make their own way in the world. It is a challenge every single day. 
Which is why I now have a dinner date with a little frog and a pink princess-decorated plate of noodles. 
Rebecca Tomasis is a mother of three and co-winner of the inaugural Proverse Prize for unpublished writing in 2010



Gilded life makes it tough to nurture independence